From Prisons to Castles- Youtube Video
Note: This blog is meant to come across as a creative essay, rather than a report. I will definitely be sharing a report at some point, but this is more personally driven than professional.
I’ve been obsessed with castles, fortresses, and manors ever since I was a kid. The Sleeping Beauty castle offered the opportunity to imagine running down the seemingly endless corridors. Beauty and the Beast had a library with books that reached the sky. King Arthur had a castle that could withstand the might of many. To be able to imagine being in the keep of Casterly Rock and imagine the waves crashing against it from below. Imagine being in a castle where the staircases move! The obsession became reality when I started a project from the ground up. I’ve always been passionate about fundraising and event hosting; I even won a national award when I was 13 for the carnivals and bake sales I loved to plan. The causes were just as important, and that made it all the better. So, I started a Castle, Home, and Garden contest in a virtual world called Second Life. (If you don’t know what that is, it’s like The Sims but with real people behind the avatar!) I asked people to build castles, then during a certain week, people would come and “vote” for these castles by paying real money for their votes. I also solicited for sponsors to donate money to have a judge’s prize– $100,000 linden to the winning team’s kiosk for the American Cancer Society (that’s about 350 USD). The stakes were high, the fight against cancer was real, and I got to soak in my obsession. I got to marvel at the design of each and every castle someone made, even though it was virtual. You still got to walk through each castle– every throne room, bedroom, library, and moat. It was an amazing experience. I’ve always been fascinated by how castles were the forefront of so many fairy tales we hear today. Funny enough, I was fascinated by dungeons, too. They ranged greatly– some had little holes that they would dig at the base of the castle and then put a door that would lock the person down this little hole. There was no light, lots of maggots, and no protection from water seeping through. There was no sunlight, no opportunity to see other people, and no chance to rehabilitate and learn. All you did was manifest so many mental disorders that it would be almost impossible to recover. Other dungeons weren’t so cruel, so to speak– some had the standard bars where you would basically just sit and rot away inside the bars, and get fed, maybe.
Fast forward many years– never did I think I would be in my own dungeon. I’ve always been the hopeful, optimistic type of person. I tried to not let anything get me down. But let me tell you, the dungeon I was in (yes, I mean prison) really tried to get me down. But, you know what? I have always been obsessed with castles. That never went away. When I was locked up, I wrote more for two novels that I have written, Coldbane Manor and Faraway. Coldbane Manor features a sentient home that has a library with towering books, and corridors that seem endless (sound familiar?), and Faraway had the Disney-esque castle we all picture– white base with blue, birds flying high, and hopes to the sky. I never gave up on those worlds– never.
It was difficult being in the dungeon for so long. I have always had some amount of anxiety, but prison made it ten times worse. Before prison, if I had to go to a new work site with unfamiliar people, I’d try to be a few hours early because I knew I would get in the parking lot, then leave, then go back, then leave, then go back– it was my way of telling myself, it’ll be okay, I can do this. Now that I’m out of prison, I can barely manage to get out of my house at all. I find myself looking out the windows before I take my dog out to go to the bathroom. I get all panicky and nervous going to a store by myself. Somehow, I managed to get used to airports– what I like about airports is that there’s a routine, a checklist– you walk inside, you go up to the desk, you go through security, you go to the gate. It’s the same no matter what airport you’re in. That gives me a lot of peace and a sense of security. But a store? My brain goes, what if someone comes up to me and tries to talk to me? What if a cop sees me, decides that I did something wrong, and arrests me? Even if I’m shopping for milk, that fear is always in the back of my mind. Even when I’m in my own home, I wake up randomly thinking that a cop is at my door and I didn’t hear it, so therefore he will come in and arrest me and say I disobeyed orders and then my dog is confused and no one watches my dog then I lose my job then I lose my house… Who wants that kind of paranoia? It’s even worse if I go somewhere.
I went out of state a week before I needed to for a symposium I was presenting at. I wanted to push myself and go to a water park that I really wanted to get to, but just couldn’t imagine going there alone. I had been to the water park before, so I thought maybe it would help if I tried to go alone. Maybe some of my anxiety would go away. Unfortunately, I ended up staying in the hotel room most of the days. But hey– I did accomplish some things! I went to the cafeteria (more than once), then one day I went to the lazy river for a few hours, then I finally went into the water park. I only went once, and I meant to go twice, but hey– I got myself out! What a silly accomplishment, right? But to go from not being able to walk outside without being hyper vigilant to going to the cafeteria to get some pizza… What an amazing thing!
Did I mention that I’m obsessed with castles? Guess what… Germany has plenty of them. I had some contacts through universities in Germany and they wanted to learn more and potentially replicate our disability initiative, so I decided to set up a trip to Germany. I also have a group of friends from Germany that I wanted to see while going to these universities. In Germany, I used castles to motivate me in going from place to place.
I got on a train, a bus, and even went to a CASTLE all by myself. Neuschwanstein Castle… which inspired the Sleeping Beauty castle. Of course, one of the castles that inspired me as a kid! I needed a written English guide since I couldn’t hear the tour guide, and my German isn’t strong enough. I took it upon myself to ask for one– and I soaked in every word. I remember going up the endless stairs into the first room of the castle, and my tears just flowed down my face. I didn’t really care if anyone saw me– no one did since I was the last person in the group in every room to leave the room (I was always lingering– I wanted to see every last detail, from the floor to the bed to the windows to everything!!)
I usually quote Dolly Parton in my essays, but I’m inspired by another set of lyrics:
I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you
I’m notorious for not liking most foods. I have food sensitivities that are too hard to explain, but I do know what I like. One of my German friends was picking on me because I wasn’t trying very many German foods, but you know what I said? I said that there are so many new things I’m trying right now– I’m in a foreign country, I went past border control, I went to a castle all by myself, I was on a bus all by myself, a train all by myself, this whole trip is an endeavor I never thought possible. I went from castle to dungeon in real life, and to imagine that I could go from dungeon to castle was not in my cards. I did so many new things, and I’m proud of myself for it!
You know what else this trip helped me realize? That we are a community. I may work for the Community, and sometimes it annoys me when I try to say “I work for the community at the Community”, I always feel redundant, but it’s so perfect because that is what we are. I have had the pleasure, the honor, the privilege of working with so many of you– from higher education to re-entry to formerly and currently incarcerated. I’ve worked with Presidents of Universities and even Justices of the Court. People ask us how we make strides in this work. I’m constantly asked, “How can I do what you do?” You know what, the answer is– utilize the community.
When you do that, you then realize that we are each other’s castles. Castles are meant to fortify, to protect, to unite kingdoms. They often have a place in the middle where communities can come. There’s a castle in England that had underground chambers that protected people during World War 2. We are each other’s castles. You need to spread your wings to fly, and think about the lyrics I just shared. We don’t let our pasts define us, but remember– we are led to those who help us most to grow. We have to let others help us, and help them in return. You might not believe that, but I am who I am today because I knew you. If you’re wondering if I mean YOU, yes.. Of course I do.
I am obsessed with castles. Look at me– I went from dreaming about them, to writing about them, to being in a dungeon, then I got to go to a real castle. It is real.
And I can see the light of a clear blue morning
And I can see the light of a brand new day
I can see the light of a clear blue morning
And everything’s gonna be all right
It’s gonna be okay


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